MY LITTLE JELLYBEAN
So the first ultrasound is one major sketchy day when you have had a previous loss. I know that all women feel the same but when you have been in the situation in real time of being told by a sonographer that your baby does not have a heartbeat, every single ultrasound comes with its share of anxiety.
I have a healthy and happy 8 month old sleeping right now as I type, so clearly this first, and all the consecutive ultrasounds were perfect but I think my stress levels were unparalleled at most of the appointments throughout my pregnancy.
Seeing that little jelly bean looking thing appear on the monitor is just the most amazing feeling. Then seeing and hearing the heartbeat is just mind blowing.
It’s that moment when it all sinks in and you get confirmation that its all game on.
This appointment holds not much else besides that, as being so early in the pregnancy you don’t get told much more.
You want to know everything, your mind is thinking “does it look healthy, is it in the right spot, is it big enough, is it looking boyish or girlish?”.
There are all these questions you want answered and none of which can be even remotely addressed, as it is just too damn early. You see a little blob and a flicker of a heartbeat, you may be lucky enough to get to hear it and they give you the heart rate and then thats it. You are off to fend for yourself for another month or so. It’s nerve wracking. You kind of want instructions or something. Where is my list of do’s and don’ts?
So if you are anything like me and a countless number of my friends, you go home and start googling shit and then realise that you should have just had the restraint and not tried to do your own research. The internet is filled with information that is not very new mummy to be friendly. You seriously can scare the shit out of yourself if you believe half of that crap, and you fein that you don’t believe a word of it. You are waaaaaay more intelligent than that. You don’t believe all the shit you read on the net right! Well, you might not but every bit of that shitty info sticks in all those tiny little corners of your pregnant lady brain and haunts you every time you feel a twinge or have a cramp. And all of which are normal to some degree. But you over analyse everything now. You are slowly going to drive yourself nuts. It really is best to not google any random stuff. Stay away from google pregnant ladies of the world!