Having a little baby (well now a big baby – 9 month old), is still such a surreal experience.
I find myself laying in bed staring at him. Marvelling in him. Looking back and remembering all the many months before he was here. I used to imagine having a baby snuggled up asleep exactly where he is snuggled. I used to dream about having a little person to nurture and care for. And now… he is here.
It really is just something else. I fucking love it! Its the best feeling in the world… Nothing in this world is better than being a mummy. (I’m actually smiling as I type that).
Life as you know it really does change completely. We all know it will of course. I wasn’t under the impression that shit would go back to the way it always was after I gave birth to my little bundle of happiness, but I was also not fully aware of just how much life would change. Because everything changes. You change. Your body changes… oh how your body fucking changes!!! Your partner changes. Your family changes. Your house changes. Your dog changes. Your cat changes. Your morning change. Your midday changes. Your night times change. Your habits change. Your sleeping changes. ALL your patterns change. And while all those things change, you are just living in a bliss bubble with this amazing little thing you created needing you all day, every day. It’s astounding how life just flips on its arse. And its all just awesome. It truly is.
There are many down times. There are so many moments of self doubt. I think that must be a normal thing. Well for mums anyhow. The sleep deprivation is on a whole new level. A WHOLE NEW LEVEL! I actually thought I may go alright with the lack of sleep. I have suffered from chronic sinusitis for over 15 years. I can sneeze all night long. Be up and down throughout the evening and wee hours of the morning getting new packets of tissues and water and eucalyptus and countless other vices that a snot ridden mess needs. But this baby business…. this introduced me to a new appreciation of the meaning “lack of sleep”. I have never felt so tired. EVER. You truly have days where you don’t actually know what you are doing. I have literally missed days all together and I have actually been awake and out of bed from 5am until 9pm on those days. They have just gone past me like I was on a weird magical mystery tour. Some days are fine. But some, they just don’t really exist in my memory.
Its strange too because if I think about it technically I probably could have slept way more than I did in the first few weeks, but being a new mum… I woke to every sound, or every “non sound”. Babies really do have a way of freaking you right the fuck out because they just breath all out of whack. Dad was a drummer. I like timing. I was unaware that babies don’t breath in time. So this was something I had to adjust to. And they make weird noises. Gurgles, chokey kind of sounds, snorts, burps, farts, suckling sounds… all just arranged perfectly to make a mother think there is a massive respiratory problem occurring or that they are not warm enough, cool enough, comfy enough etc. Its all very concerning, so in those moments where you can sleep cause your baby is sleeping… you probably won’t (or I didn’t), because you will be stressing about all the things that could go wrong if you did fall deeply asleep. So you don’t… and then you do that for a few more weeks… and then you have a few of those “magical mystery tour” days. Those one’s you have no idea what happened or what you even did. I’m sure this is all just part of the wonderful mummy journey!
I used to like to have a vodka or 9 of an afternoon (That’s actually not a total exaggeration).
As I say in my bio, I am a completely normal person. I am not a total health nut. I am all about everything in moderation, I just didn’t moderate my vodka very often (I still have trouble moderating my chocolate).
Well, naturally that changed while I was actively trying to conceive. I was all “tea totaler” kind of shit and then when I fell pregnant it didn’t even cross my mind. I know its all good to have the odd glass of wine here and there, so the new studies say, or our parents who all drank and smoked and did whatever the fuck they wanted when they were pregnant with us… but the thought of alcohol was really not appealing anyway so that was not an issue. So now, 9 months postpartum, I can still of course only have a couple of drinks on the odd occasion. I have expressed milk and had it on hand but bubba won’t have that on. He will tolerate it, if he is desperate. But he really only wants to nurse. So no drinking for this mumma. Just another little life alteration that you know will happen but you really don’t realise how nice it is to just be able to have that second or third drink. Again, take a little glance at your baby and its really doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things.
The fact that just going to the shop to get milk and bread really is like going on a small camping trip is quite humorous too. Again its another thing all mums to be are warned about. You know its coming but until that first day when you have to pack up half of the fucking house into the oversized baby bag that weighs thirty nine thousand kilos, and fill the car with all these awkward and heavy contraptions to hold or push or seat your baby, you really are oblivious to the whole thing. Then, after those first few trips you kind of avoid leaving the house at all costs because it is just too much fucking effort. You will just go for walks down to the park down the road. If someone wants to have a catch up… fuck it, they can just come to yours. And preferably bring food, cause you haven’t wanted to leave the house to go to Woolworths with all the contents of the baby room packed into the backseat of the car. I am still doing real weekly shops though. I do know some mums choose to actually do it online and have it delivered. But I still like to go grocery shopping. As strange as that sounds (not doing the shopping but enjoying it!). And now I have a bigger boy, he is able to sit in the trolley seat which he thinks is just amazing!
All in all, having a baby just changes the world as you know it. Little things like me trying to get to sleep (I am a co sleeping mumma) with my bubba snuggled next to me pushing his tiny little feet into my stomach and somehow always ending up with them tucked up inside my underpants… and him giving those cute open mouth wet kisses all over your face when he feels like it… and not being able to sleep for longer than about 3 or 4 hours at a time without a tiny little arm reaching out for you in the night. All those things. They change you. They make you realise that life really did just begin. Not only for them… but for you. The world is just a magical place now he is in it.