It’s amazing how you can feel two such opposing energies in such a short amount of time.
Over the course of this week I have felt so weak and broken, crying in my bed asking for help.
And then I have felt strong, empowered and safe, all within 48 hours.
On Monday night I went to bed as I usually do, nothing was any different. At around 10:30pm I started feeling a surge of energy that didn’t feel quite right flow through me, and my body started to react. I began to feel anxious and my heart started to pound really hard and fast. I was freaking the fuck out and just couldn’t stop the feelings… I was completely taken over with fear. I woke my husband a million times, he eventually just stayed awake with me because he knew I just needed to be held or comforted as I couldn’t fix myself.
Anyone who has experienced this type of anxiety and panic can empathise that in the throes of this intense emotion and struggle you really do fear for your life. Your heart that is thumping through your chest and is beating so fast that you feel physically dizzy, you have to get to a hospital because you have somewhere in this shit show, convinced yourself that you may not live through this.
This panic attack happened at night too and everything that happens in darkness is intensified by a million. You feel even more alone, scared, unsafe and isolated. I didn’t want to go to the hospital at night so I waited it out until the sun came up. Just the sight of the sunlight was making it better… but I still needed to get my shit checked out because I have never had and hope to never again have, a panic attack that lasts for over 8 hours. I was fucking terrified, beyond exhausted, and yet my body was in such a reactive state that every sound, movement and vibration was triggering me.
So long story short… everything checked out fine in the ER. My heart was going way to fast but no abnormalities besides that (thank god). I am still waiting on my Thyroid Blood Results to come back and next week I wear a Heart Holter for 24 hours to see if that picks up any oddities.
I keep sifting through reasons as to why it happened. Was it because mum was in hospital the week prior and I was having a delayed stress reaction? Was it that dads birthday was this week and I miss him and its bring up memories? Was it because I just started wearing a FitBit and I was focusing on my stats and set myself off? Was it something I ate? What the fuck was it? Who knows? All I know is that I am still feeling the effects of it. I still don’t feel fully in the “good zone”. I still feel a little wave of “here we go again” type shit waft over me every now and then and I shove it back down and make it go away.
I guess if this is all just anxiety/panic related… I have to find coping mechanisms and tools to better deal with it. To learn my triggers and to learn how to focus on the outcome… not my heartbeat.
And through all this… Yes I did use my oils.
But unfortunately the power of the mind will more often than not void some of these powerful tools. Using the oils with a heart full of fear can often freeze their enormous power. By all means try them, but if you are not seeing much benefit. Do not discount them. They are trying to break your minds very powerful barrier.
So please wait until you are away the fear zone… when the storm is passing or has dissipated… then reach for your oils once again and use them with faith that they will be a part of the healing journey for you.
Now that I am over my very reactive state I am seeing the amazing support the are providing.
Plus… can i please say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to everyone who has sent me love and well wishes. I have received over 100 messages and I am overwhelmed by all the love. You are all amazing!!!
Also the roller blend I have been using to help me calm contains : Arborvitae, Cedarwood, Lavender, Melissa, Wild Orange, Ylang Ylang, Rosemary, Frankincense and Balance.
So this is all part of why I haven’t been very “active” over the last couple of weeks.
They have been rather challenging. But I will be back on deck in no time. At the moment I am just taking some time to chill out a bit.
Love you guys… xxx