I’m just starting to understand a little bit more about how my brain is reactive to certain situations, people and things in my life. I had no idea that my mind could have such a disconnect with what the rest of me was trying to do.
From full blown panic attacks to actually manifesting as serious physical symptoms like making my ectopic heartbeats more frequent. Mostly my heart palpitations happen without warning and very much unrelated to my thoughts, but I have been much more aware of how easy it is for my mind to wander into another energetic state and to trigger certain domino reactions within my body. Chest tightness, racing heart, hard to swallow, inability to concentrate on anything but what my body is fearing (which sometimes I have no idea what it fears).
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be the person to freely say that I suffer from anxiety.
But today I say that… without fear, or shame or judgment of myself.
You see its not a weakness.
It is nothing to be ashamed of.
Anxiety or Panic Disorder does not mean you are nuts, or don’t have a grip on shit.
It also doesn’t mean you have to feel belittled by those people who don’t understand it (and there will be many!), or when they say things like “just breath and get over it, or just think of something else”.
We all know that throughout life we will encounter situations where some people will not understand our reasons, or our feelings. Thats inevitable. And you just have to accept it and realise that they simply don’t comprehend what you are dealing with… lucky for them.
Now this Anxiety/Panic number is also not a crutch that I want to willingly use to make excuses for myself.
I don’t want to wear it like a badge and claim it every chance I get.
But I am aware of it.
And… THAT IS POWER.
When you acknowledge everything that you are, that is when you can grow as a person.
Speaking about the things that hurt you or make you less of what you want to be… that not only empowers you, but empowers everyone around you who may be feeling lost in that feeling too.
So as for my recent anxiety and panic… I will give it all the space that it needs, and when it needs, I will gently try to soothe it out if its very heightened state.
But I will not feed it any more.
I know what it likes and what it doesn’t. And I will no longer give it all the nourishment that it craves.
You can’t control so many things in life, and there will always be times of worry and stress, fear and pain… but as long as you know that you WILL come out the other side, you can support yourself.
You are capable of so much more than your mind lets you think sometimes.
You know you are.
Much love.
Keyna x