I don’t know about you but I find it hard to make time for my “spiritual” side sometimes. Some days, well most days, especially now that I’m a mum, I just don’t find the time to take that moment to breath and centre my thoughts.
I say “now that I’m a mum”, like that has changed me somehow and it has… but in reality it has made me more spiritual so that is a dead set bullshit excuse. Now that I’ve written down those words, I can see what a load of shit it is. I’m making excuses for my lack of spirituality.
I guess I always made excuses. It was only about 3 years ago that I was always drunk or hungover. I spent most of my weekends inebriated or comatose. Before these years of drinking myself into a stupor, I was smoking so much weed that I can’t even remember what I even did from the ages of 17-22. I was in a constant state of buzzed.
I actually remember stopping weed when my nanna died actually, that was when I was 21. My theory was that she would be able to see me getting stoned. Clearly I was a stoner because that notion is just fucking absurd. I’m sure she would be doing way better things than sitting in my room watching me suck down a cone. But that was my logic and it was the catalyst for me quitting an expensive and very mind altering habit for me.
You see I was a nasty stoner. I got aggressive to a point. Because it wasn’t a pastime, it was profession. I had made it a lifestyle.
So I stopped that, and then I decided that life was as boring as fuck… so why not take up drinking… like a fish! Now everyone in my family drinks, but again, some nights I didn’t just drink… I drank “to get drunk”. There is a massive difference. I have this propensity to connect so heavily with substances or things that I let them envelope me. It engulfs my entire being. I have to be careful of these things.
I won’t go into the other drugs I dabbled or should I say… excelled in, but you can see the pattern here, so I am still alive and happy and writing and have found a new and more functional and enlightened harmonised pathway, so I thank my sweet fucking stars for that!
I will go into the deep, dark and dirty secrets of my past at some stage (to an extent), but maybe that is for the ones who actually wish to know, not everyone. We shall see.
So anyway, this spirituality.
This elusive thing we all chase.
Unless you are an actual “spiritualist”, and you practice daily rituals that really get you in tune with the universe, then most of us just forget to get back to what our soul is all about.
I think about it every single day… I should stop, I should get outside and sit in nature.
I should put my phone down and I should stop listening to the noise in my head and hear what my heart has to say.
But, I forget. I get too busy. I get too tired. I just get too fucking involved in shit.
This last year I have actively been making the time.
Even if its only for a few minutes a day. To hold back all the activity in my mind and let my energy flow back into the earth and back up through me again.
To create a connection to the universe. I have to do this for my baby, I have to not just be a person he see’s connected only to work and cleaning and a mobile phone. I have to be connected to my soul, to see myself as the nurturer and mother than I need to be.
I have to do this for my husband. So I don’t burn the fuck out and start blaming him for things that I am trying to control.
But at last I realise that I have to first and foremost do this for me.
So I can be the woman whom I was destined to be.
So I can be proud of me.
I am a mummy, a wife, a daughter and a friend… But I am something that stands alone without all of those beautiful things… I am energy.
I need to feel my energy connected to mother earth, the moon, the stars and the sky, to once again feel connected to everyone in my physical world.
Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow… I shall continue to connect with life.