For some reason I don’t actually dread tomorrow.
I don’t feel like it is really much different to any other day.
I know of course that it is.
It’s the day that dad died, 3 long fucking years ago.
It seems like an eternity since he rang me up or Facebook messaged me, to tell me that there was horse running in Race 7 at Mt Gambier called ‘Catch a Piper’, or something just as meaningful to our warped little family.
You see we bet for names sake, none of this reading the form guide. If a horse is running that has a name that even resembles your name, your dog’s name, your cat’s name, your dentist’s name (you get the picture), we would have a little punt. They all lost! But it was always a bit of fun.
Was… That’s all stopped. None of us bet anymore. Well I lie, Melbourne Cup Day we do. But mostly its a lost passion that faded when dad left.
Mum will laugh when she reads that, “When dad left”. Like he just packed an overnight bag and shot through in the night. We have always giggled at funny / not funny things that are said about death. You know, like “I lost my father”. Hmmmmm, “Oh really, where did you lose him?”.
We are an odd bunch, but one entire side of my family are (were) comedians so I guess we learnt to laugh about everything.
Good, bad or indifferent. I can tell you it does help with so much, when you can make a joke, even a small one… about the hard stuff.
So tomorrow is the day…
I’ll hold it in some sacred place. I honestly don’t know how I will feel. No-one ever does.
It’s like how when we knew he was dying and that the end was near, and then nearer.
You can think you are prepared. But you are never prepared. You are never ready.
You can imagine losing a loved one over and over in your mind and think you have that shit fucking well and truly planned and sorted out. YOU DON’T. Until that moment… you have no idea.
And so, just like tomorrow.
I sit here now thinking that it is feeling just like any other tomorrow.
Maybe it will be. Maybe it won’t.
I can tell you one thing though.
I wish that tomorrow didn’t have to be “The Day Dad Died”.
I wish he was here.
I wish he wasn’t just a memory.
I wish he wasn’t just in the pictures around my home that I smile at as I walk past them.
I wish he was right here.
I know he is… I just wish it was the same.